Vigilantes
 Smiley Specialist
he's big enough
Posts: 164
Preferred Name: Nama
Character Profile: ♦♦♦
Character Name: Levenin Refure
Main Account: Levenin
Status: On Hiatus
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Post by Levenin on Mar 28, 2016 17:53:32 GMT -5
”Ellie, you can’t…”
Levenin went on about how he couldn’t understand, but he did to some extent. No, he’d never comprehend the overwhelming need to throw himself into danger (despite the number of times he’d done it), or not feeling guilt over the things they’d stolen, the people that’d be harmed in the process. He thought about it every night, only able to justify it by remembering those at the clinic who had a greater need for medical care and money than drug lords and the well-to-do. But even then, Lev recalled the faces of those who hadn’t done anything wrong. They were only trying to survive, trying to do their jobs.
”Ellie, I get it. I don’t understand everything but I get what you wanna do in the end. You wanna give people a better life but… I’m a doctor. I try to do the same thing every day but that’s just it. I can’t. You can’t... There’s too many to save. You could spend your entire life dedicated to it and you’ll still fail, over and over…”
Lev had probably never genuinely saved anyone. He was far too inexperienced to deal with the dire cases. But he’d seen it so many times from the sidelines and it didn't make it hurt any less.
”And even then, I’ve met so many who didn’t wanna be helped. It was in my ability to do so. But they didn’t want it. And that’s something else… Even if you could save everyone, you can’t make the decision for them to accept your help. There’s too many on the bottom who don’t care, too many on top who don’t deserve to be punished… I-I don’t know if it’s right to force your ideals on others… Maybe for you it is, but… I just can’t. I don’t agree with everything you do but even then… I’ve always thought about how strong you are. You always go in giving everything you’ve got, even if it’s hard. But maybe that’s why we can’t do this anymore. Or I can’t…
"I’ve never been able to completely throw myself into any of this. I’ve tried, I really have, but every time I think about it, I dunno if I can take that kind of judgment into my own hands... I’m sorry. I’m… I’m going home.”
Levenin didn’t bother to grab the suit or clothes he’d worn here. Mira would probably ask questions, as she always did, but that was his fault for not thinking of a good excuse in the first place. All he knew was that he couldn’t be in this room anymore, not so long as Ellie was standing only feet from him. He didn’t dare meet her gaze as he pushed past her and made his way to the door. He stopped short, his hand hovering over the doorknob as the man hesitated to open it.
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Will Punch Your Butthole
Posts: 114
Preferred Name: Donut
Pronouns: Her/She
Character Name: Ellie 'Evrika' Waters
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Post by Ellie on Mar 29, 2016 8:29:04 GMT -5
She looked up at him and, despite how she'd given him permission to quit, the reality of it was still a hard punch to the gut. "Maybe I can't. Maybe my answer isn't right, but it's mine. The moment I let go of it, that I give up on everything I've been working towards...then I'm dead."
She sunk onto her couch, hands moving to grip her knees. "Why did you even join me if you never believed in this? You've helped me with so many jobs, knowing what I was doing--Why?" she couldn't look at him even as she asked the questions. Suddenly she was completely disgusted with herself for showing so much of herself to him. He knew who she was and now he was just going to bail on her. "What do you want, Lev? An easy, comfortable life away from all this? A place where you can shut your eyes and pretend? Then go. Take the Test again. Become a High Class doctor. Leave me, leave Mira, Soup, leave Nineveh behind and close your eyes to everything, if that's what you want. You think I'm strong for giving everything I've got, but that's just because you never have."
A sudden laugh burst out of her, surprising even her. Of course. It made sense now. "You're fucking scared. That's always been it. The moment shit gets serious you fucking bolt. That's why you're here, why you stuck with me. But now I won't be an excuse so you're gonna run back to--you don't even care about your fucking girlfriend. She's just another damn excuse for you to hide behind. Quit, if you want. But don't fucking come back here for more excuses for why you're in the same spot. Figure out what you want and do it. Stop running away."
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Vigilantes
Smiley Specialist
he's big enough
Posts: 164
Preferred Name: Nama
Character Profile: ♦♦♦
Character Name: Levenin Refure
Main Account: Levenin
Status: On Hiatus
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Post by Levenin on Mar 29, 2016 19:21:27 GMT -5
Levenin pulled his shaking hand away before turning around to lean his back against the door. Just one turn of the handle and that was it, he'd be free. No more arguing or wasting time trying to change her mind when it was clearly set. He watched her face as she still refused to touch him, probably because the both of them knew as soon as she did, he wouldn’t be standing up again. Ellie was furious, that was plain to see, but there was something else written in the curves of her wrinkles: betrayal. And really, that’s how he’d describe it. After last night’s revelations and everything they’d done together up until now, only for him to quit. A broken partnership.
And though they were fighting, she’d welcome him back in eventually. For as tough of an exterior Ellie possessed, she had a softness for him. That was why Levenin willed himself to keep the door closed, though his head screamed at him to open it and forget about her and this life. He feared if he left, he’d never come back.
”I dunno why I joined you… Back then, I felt like I had to. It felt like I had to pay you back for what happened five years ago, even if it wasn’t my fault. We were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I didn’t know how to say no,” said Lev, falling down onto his backside and sitting propped up against the cold metal of her door. ”But after a while, the more I kept doing jobs for you… I thought maybe I’d found some kind of purpose for myself. I could be useful and worth something. Being needed made me feel good. But then when they all found out about it, I got treated so badly…”
His voice cracked as he gripped at his hair, pulling it in clumps between his fingers before burying his face in his knees. Lev really didn’t want to break down here. Ellie had seen him cry hundreds of time already but right now, it seemed like an extra kick in the teeth for her to be here. What little strength he had left gave way and his front came crumbling down, Levenin screaming out all of his bottled up frustration in one breath.
”It’s not fair! I can’t run away! I can’t! No matter where I go or what I do, I’m stuck! Everyone tells me to just do it, do what I want because I can, but you don’t know… I’ve tried so many times. Maybe it seems like I’m running but I always come back over and over again. All I can do is pretend because at least for a while, it’s comforting. It doesn’t hurt. I can imagine myself somewhere else… It’s the only way I can run. I don’t wanna leave… I don’t wanna go back there. But I don’t want to… I don’t know.”
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Will Punch Your Butthole
Posts: 114
Preferred Name: Donut
Pronouns: Her/She
Character Name: Ellie 'Evrika' Waters
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Post by Ellie on Mar 29, 2016 19:46:34 GMT -5
Lev cried a lot, probably about as often as she got angry, but this was different. This wasn't the stressful, instinctive blubbering he usually spewed but something more raw. And even though whenever he cried it annoyed the hell out of her, she still found her anger cooling a bit at the display. After a moment of listening to him she stood up and took a few steps over to him. She pressed her back to the wall next to him and slid down so they were sitting side by side. She drew her own knees to her chest, hugging them there as she sat quietly next to him.
"Maybe...you don't have to leave here or keep working with me." She muttered to her knees, not looking at him. She still felt angry and bitter and betrayed but he was still Lev. For better or for worse he was the closest friend she'd ever had. "I'm not going to stop what I'm doing. I won't change. But if you...need to figure it out, okay. Don't go back there. Just, you know, stay here. Figure it out. And if you want to help me again, fine. If not, fine. Compromise."
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Vigilantes
Smiley Specialist
he's big enough
Posts: 164
Preferred Name: Nama
Character Profile: ♦♦♦
Character Name: Levenin Refure
Main Account: Levenin
Status: On Hiatus
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Post by Levenin on Apr 3, 2016 18:05:43 GMT -5
Levenin sat for a few minutes, not speaking and choosing to focus on breathing in and out until he calmed down. All the while, he kept his face buried in his knees to avoid looking at Ellie out of shame. He was never going to get any better at this. For once, it’d be nice to have a conversation with her that didn’t involve work, sobbing, or in rare cases, getting drunk and spilling too many personal details.
“I dunno… I need to think about it. Right now, I can’t. Not here. But if I leave…”
He finally lifted his head, wiping his face with an arm before weakly chuckling to himself. “How do you put up with me? I’m a mess. This is… really embarrassing… I’m sorry I keep doing this. I don’t get why I do things sometimes.”
Lev wanted to show her a smile, but that’d require looking at her and he couldn’t bear to. If he did, he might’ve collapsed again and continued to sit in front of her door for the rest of the day.
”I don’t mean to criticize you and your decisions. You’re my friend... so I worry one day you won’t come back from a job, or you’ll get hurt and I won’t be able to help you. But I know settling down into a cushy life isn’t you… I dunno if it’s “me” yet but… I won’t try to change your mind anymore, I promise.”
Levenin couldn’t stand to sit there any longer and stood up, this time intending to leave for certain. ”I guess for now, I need to figure out a few things first. By myself. I’ll come back later, so don’t worry about me if I don’t answer for a while, okay? Maybe next time, we can try training again. Or just… hang out somewhere, as friends. We can do that, right?”
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Will Punch Your Butthole
Posts: 114
Preferred Name: Donut
Pronouns: Her/She
Character Name: Ellie 'Evrika' Waters
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Post by Ellie on Apr 8, 2016 13:17:00 GMT -5
"I don't know if you noticed, Lev, but I might not be the picture of stability." She shrugged at his question about putting up with him. Really, he was annoying as hell and sometimes all she wanted to do was sock him in the jaw as hard as she could. But it was still nice knowing someone cared about her beyond everything. Nice to know that if something did happen to her, someone would mourn her.
She shifted to let him have full access to the door, climbing to her feet as well. She scratched at the back of her neck awkwardly. "I like to read? Maybe we could talk about that next time. That's a normal thing people do, right? Talk about hobbies?" she tried with a nervous laugh. "I'm not so good at normal friend things, Lev. Or really anything that doesn't involve work. But I'm willing to figure things out, whenever you're ready."
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Vigilantes
Smiley Specialist
he's big enough
Posts: 164
Preferred Name: Nama
Character Profile: ♦♦♦
Character Name: Levenin Refure
Main Account: Levenin
Status: On Hiatus
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Post by Levenin on Apr 9, 2016 1:22:51 GMT -5
Levenin still wouldn’t look her way but he cracked a smile at her comment. Maybe Ellie hadn’t meant that as a joke, seeing as how she was always dead serious about every word she spoke, but he could still find the humor. There was no doubt in his mind that she was angry with him, furious even. Betrayed for sure. Probably not on the verge of crying like he was (and always was) but despite that, she treated him nicely— in her own Ellie way, of course.
”Something else, Ellie,” he said. ”Even if that’s true, you’re a lot stronger than you think. You keep telling me that but… We should both work on that in the future. The self deprecation thing, I mean.”
Lev was thankful to hear her move enough for him to open the door so he didn’t have to awkwardly ask her to. ”You teach me to train and I’ll figure out something for us to do next time. You can tell me about your favorite book. Give a recommendation. The last time I read anything was back in school so... I think it’d be… nice.”
Sunlight poured into the dim room from the morning sun as Levenin finally stepped over the threshold and into the Lower Class streets. For some reason, the air was especially fresh today, the sky a brighter blue than he’d seen in a long time.
”You don’t need to… try so hard. Just let it happen. I promise that’s all it takes.”
Still refusing to look back for a goodbye, Lev let the door close gently behind him.
END
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