Vigilantes
TROGDOR THE BURNINATOR
Wink while you can, asshole
Posts: 48
Preferred Name: Scotty
Main Account: Kyne
Status: Active
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Post by kyne on Jul 27, 2015 19:26:36 GMT -5
Scotty's Lit thread
welcome to my lit thread! here's where I'll put bits and pieces that I write about my characters as I try to
work them into the world of re:dux. most of it is probably gonna be sad things, or alternate thread endings
where people die or bad things happen but I'll probably post some canon bits here, too.
please feel free to comment if you want! <3
CONTENTS
>> [ NEVER CHANGE ] kyne // attie || CANON BACKGROUND
kyne meets up with attie at his home, short fic to flesh out characters and their relationship.
>> [ WORST KEPT SECRET ] kyne // teddy || DA:I AU BLURB
Dragonage Inquisition postgame, insp by trespassers dlc ad whoops
>> [ WHATEVER THE SACRIFICE ] kyne//teddy || DA:I AU BLURB
>> [ WHAT CANNOT BE SILENCED ] zeke || HYPOTHETICALLY CANON BUT NOT RN
>> [ TITLE ] characters || AU/CANON/ETC
>> [ TITLE ] characters || AU/CANON/ETC
[div][div style="text-align:center;"][font color="#adadad" size="1"][[ Title || Characters ]]
[sup]_______________________________________________[/sup]
[[ info ]][/font][/div]
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Vigilantes
TROGDOR THE BURNINATOR
Wink while you can, asshole
Posts: 48
Preferred Name: Scotty
Main Account: Kyne
Status: Active
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Post by kyne on Jul 27, 2015 21:15:33 GMT -5
[[ Never change || Kyne / Attie ]]
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[[ background blurb ]]
It was night, hot and muggy and uncomfortable usually during the simulated warmer months in the Slums, but in the distance there was a whiff of cooler air and the scent of rain beginning to soften the edge off of dark and dirty side streets. The muffled sounds of people speaking inside tight clusters of shacks and haphazard, worn down homes peppered the usual background noise of heavy supply trucks and occasional arguments. This wasn't exactly a nice place to be, but it still carried a familiarity to it that was reassuring, in a way.
Kyne just laughed, shaking his head and answered with a soft, "Don't worry about it." He shoved off of the door frame, walking into the house and pausing only a moment to push the door closed with his heel before taking the bag off his shoulder and rummaging inside. From within it he withdrew a crinkled brown paper bag with a few food containers inside before depositing his bag on the couch on his way in. The food was still warm from the shop where he'd purchased it in the Middle Class District and he set it down on one of the cabinet tops in the middle of the room. "Brought some dinner. You have been making time to eat, right?"Attie glanced to the side, chewing his lip. "Of... course I have," he answered, though Kyne wondered if he was just trying to recall the last time that he'd had a full meal. He was always one to spend money on others before himself. The doctor made his way over to the bag though, peeking inside of it before looking over to Kyne and changing the subject from his eating habits. He closed it, rolling the top part up, and approached the shorter man. "Let me look at those stitches, first."Immediately, kyne rolled his eyes and sighed. Of course he'd want to change the subject to being a worrywart and checking up on him, though the thought brought a bit of a smile to his face. Pulling his shirt off, careful not to move his left shoulder too much, Kyne turned so that Attie could quickly examine the fairly large gash on his back. He hadn't even been in a fight for this one - he'd been trying to sneak into some more secure areas and taken a fall, landing on some less than soft objects. That had been fun to explain. "I'm being good and taking it easy, promise," he said with a grin, glancing over at the other man who seemed like he was a little more interested in the injury than what Kyne had to say. That was probably because Kyne was a frequent liar over whether or not he was okay - he couldn't blame Attie for not trusting him on that one, oops. "Well, you haven't torn them out so I'll believe you. Keep it that way and you might impress me," replied Attie with a smile and soft laugh, taking a step back and clasping his hands behind his back. He shuffled his feet a bit, not quite looking at Kyne as he paused without saying more. Whatever else he had to say, though, would have to stay unsaid. Kyne wasn't really.... looking to have that conversation again. He pulled his shirt back on and turned around, grabbing the bag of food and nodding to the door."Let's go sit out there a bit. Might rain, should be nice." The doctor just nodded, mumbling about right, the food, and went to go wash pen ink off his hands before following Kyne outside. The prediction of rain had been right - the once and a while, very welcome gift upon the Slums of rain to wash away days and weeks of dust and grime was always a nice thing to experience. A cool damp breeze settled down on the small alleyway and it was incredibly refreshing after the long hot day. Kyne dropped down onto the edge of the porch, setting the bag down beside him, and letting the faintest feeling of mist hit him. The rain didn't fall right under where they were thanks to the shelter of the bridge, but there was enough of it that it was incredibly relaxing. Attie sat down next to him, and when he did Kyne reached into the bag and handed him one of the wrapped sandwiches - nothing super fancy but it was hot and filling and it'd probably be nice if the other man had been keeping himself too busy to sit down and eat properly. The doctor mumbled a quiet thanks before leaning his head back and letting out a small sigh. He looked relaxed for once, which was a good look on him in Kyne's opinion. Attie was far too good for this place, for the Slums and the mess and the danger but he still seemed kind of happy there, something that Kyne would never understand. It bothered him every time he had to come by that the man didn't have his old life, back up in the Middle Class District. No one should be struck down to the Slums just for being too kind. Kyne reached into the bag to pull out his own meal and paused before unwrapping it, instead dropping his gaze to the dirt between his feet. A quiet question passed his lips, not looking at the one it was addressed to."Do you miss it?"A soft hum, questioning; Attie had raised an eyebrow and turned his head as he waited for Kyne to elaborate and after he was greeted with silence for a moment, asked, "Miss what?""Your old home, I mean. All the comforts, the security.... do you miss what you used to have?"
"Oh."
There was silence after that as the brunette mulled things over, and Kyne sort of regretted bringing it up. Still... this was one of the reasons he fought so hard to try and fix things. "I do, I suppose," came the answer finally. Kyne glanced over at his friend to find the man looking sort of lost in thought, a sad smile across his face. It weighed on him, hearing that. What if he'd just gotten his hands dirty and mixed in with the Vigilante group sooner? What if he could have helped, prevented Attie from getting into trouble in the first place. When the man continued, though, Kyne hadn't expected him to say what he did; "I kind of miss having access to medications and equipment that people need down here. It'd be easier to help if I had status to use to help them."For a moment, Kyne didn't react and when he did, he just leaned back and laughed. "You never change, do you know that?"Attie reeled back, almost looking offended. Red tinged his cheeks and ears. "Wh- What? Is that a bad thing?""No," Kyne answered, shaking his head with a laugh. Attie was definitely too good for this place, and Kyne could only admire him for still being that way in all his time spend down in the Slums. "And please don't ever change. Novus needs more people like you." |
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Civilians
 C[re]ate Champion
Posts: 106
Preferred Name: Varmun
Pronouns: He/Him
Character Profile: Character List
Character Name: Isaac Vasari
Main Account: Isaac
Status: Active
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Post by Isaac on Jul 29, 2015 11:28:54 GMT -5
Nice fic, Scotty o uo)b I think their friendship was very natural, and I enjoyed the dialogue between them. I have to say, what I liked most was the picture you painted and the way you handled the setting. I thought the part about rain in the Slums was a very clever detail. It makes sense that rain would be something people would pine for and almost celebrate down in the Slums. Good work /o/
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Vigilantes
TROGDOR THE BURNINATOR
Wink while you can, asshole
Posts: 48
Preferred Name: Scotty
Main Account: Kyne
Status: Active
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Post by kyne on Aug 31, 2015 2:53:58 GMT -5
Ahhh ty varmun!!! That was all about the setting so I'm really glad you liked it for that ; v ; [[ Worst Kept Secret || Teddy/Kyne ]]
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[[ DA:I AU, post inquisition, inspired by Trespassers DLC promo whoops I'm a loser. I just wanted to write Inquisitor!Kyne again ]] There were days when he felt years older than he was, where old scars ached a little, where his body felt battered and sore with the echoes of times he'd almost let himself fall but this.... Somehow this was different. Real, wrong and familiar and not just a memory and he was more than terrified of what it meant.
Kyne leaned back against cool stone of the hold wall, a chilly wind nudging him a bit but he was more than safe from falling here. This was a quiet and often abandoned stretch of roof top- a little hard to get to but worth the struggle for the solitude it gave him and if there was anything he wanted now it was solitude. It was no secret that he hadn't been sleeping much, that something was wrong and even a few minutes of reprieve from worrying eyes and invasive questions helped. He wasn't ready to admit to himself what was going on, let alone the others. Kyne refused to believe that whatever it meant was bigger than himself, that this was tied to anything other than his own body but it was more than just pain that kept him awake.
What if it was bigger than him?
Still, though; as he cradled his arm on his lap, the mark on his left palm flaring up and sending jolts of pain up through his shoulder and into his chest, he couldn’t help but wonder just how much longer he could put off telling the others. This wasn’t just…. nothing. It burned far too much to be nothing. With eye closed, he tried to think of something else, anything else and hope the mark settled down so he could sleep. The thick drape of the cloak he’d grabbed on his way out barely hid the glow as it writhed under his skin, crawling deeper into him with each flare. He just wanted to pretend that it wasn’t getting bigger.
That it wasn't trying to kill him again.“So this is where you’ve been hiding.”
The voice made him practically jump, banging his head against the wall with a sudden wince that caused him to rub at the newly caused bump. He didn’t need to look at who it was to know- his voice fairly sharp and accusing and knowing were factors enough in identifying him. “Couldn’t sleep,” he lied, trying to mask the faint bits of pain on the edge of his voice. They slipped through anyway, and though he held out hope that somehow Teddy couldn’t hear it he really didn’t think there was much chance of that. The other mage was always quick to call him out on things. Still - he could…. try. “And the view here’s nice.”
Kyne knew it was probably more than telling that he wouldn’t lift his gaze to make eye contact, but somehow he didn’t want to catch whatever look was on Teddy’s face. He knew he’d have to eventually, though, and so he shoved off against the side of the tower, turning so his legs hung off the edge of stone battlements with his back to nothing but wind and empty mountain side.
Ah yes. Irritation - of course. Brows knit with worry, the dark haired elf in front of him seemed to be hanging onto frustration like usual. Kyne offered a half smile, opening his mouth to try and cover it all up for a little longer but he was cut off. “Idiot. Think I didn’t notice?”
Or not. “Well, a guy can dream right?”Cue an eye roll. Okay, maybe he couldn’t dream - especially if he hadn’t been getting much sleep- but he just.. didn’t want Teddy to know and worry more than he was. Trouble sleeping and keeping secrets were smaller worries than something that was potentially going to… he didn’t want to think about it. Kyne’s tired glance fell from the other mage’s eyes when he saw the expectant look. Arms crossed, waiting for an explanation of some kind like he was entitled to it - Kyne figured that he was, in a way; after all they’d been through together he knew it wasn’t right to keep something like this secret. But still - he was afraid, he didn’t want him to know that.
On the edge of his lips, the phrases ‘it’s nothing’ and ‘don’t worry about it’ hung, ready to fall into place at a moment’s notice but… he knew better than that. It’d get him nowhere.
“Didn’t want to worry you,” he said quietly, apologetically and with the faintest traces of a smile. No soft laugh or sarcastic remark followed; he didn’t have any of those stockpiled for this situation. He didn’t want to admit it, though. Admitting it made it real, painfully and horribly real and real was the last thing he wanted to deal with. “Thought you might like to think everything was okay.”
There was an uncomfortable shuffling of feet before Teddy approached nearer to him. Hesitation was audible as he spoke. “Don’t… you dare start getting sappy with me. If it’s serious, I need to know.”
Well that was an unsubtle demand if he’d ever heard one. Okay okay, he got it, Teddy was pissed but he just hadn’t wanted to admit that there was anything. Even if he had, what could anyone do? No one had been able to do anything for him up until the breach had been closed and for it to act up now - maybe it was just…. the way it was. “Sappy? Me? Ne-”
Kyne’s breath caught in his chest and reflex brought his arm tight against him as the magic in the mark flared up momentarily. Not - not right now not here not with Teddy right there, no - he couldn’t even play this off as anything but what it was, either. His whole arm felt like fire, and it almost felt as if it were reaching past his shoulders and across his back for a moment before it settled down only to flare back up again twice as bad. Without even thinking of hiding it he curled inwards on himself, breathing heavily, and there were hands on him before he noticed, familiar hands that prickled with static keeping him from somehow losing his balance and falling backwards.“Kyne - - how long has this… have you been keeping this secret?! Should I even ask how bad it is or are you going to play stupid and pretend nothing’s wrong?”
He shook his head, not sure what he was saying no to but doing it anyway. One of Teddy’s hands had tugged back the cloak, revealing the flickering glow of golden green from the magic etched into his skin. It was…. definitely pretty bad. This was what he hadn’t wanted to share.
The bright glow that had once been a small scar across his palm had spread immensely in the past weeks, wrapping around to cross his knuckles between thumb and forefinger and spreading in a bright lightning strike down nearly to his elbow. Cracks had shot out, the magic from the anchor buzzing with each small movement and showing just how deeply it had embedded itself into him. His fingers had been numb for days though he could feel it in his wrist and arm still,, and thankfully he could still move everything but who knew how long that’d last. Kyne glanced up at Teddy’s reaction, a whole wave of guilt hitting him when he saw the worry in his eyes.
“H-hey, you better not get sappy either,” he said with a forced laugh, leaning his head on the other mage’s shoulder while he tried to catch his breath and wait for the pain to fade a bit. Usually… usually it didn’t last this long, but there were times where it went on for what seemed like hours. “S’why I didn’t - - didn’t want you to know.”
“You’re such an asshole, I honestly can’t believe you,” came an answer, still angry and sharp but in an injured sort of way. “Keeping this to yourself - you should have told someone, you should have said something, we could have -”“Could - could have what?” His voice was still stretched thin, his fingers dug into the front of Teddy’s shirt as the anchor sparked bright for a moment again. “Solas was the only one who - hhgh - who had ever been able to do anything and -and who knows where he is.”
A sudden flash again, this time worse, and then it subsided. Heavy breaths filled the silence, his hand returned to tingling and numbness and the light faded. It didn’t look so bad when it wasn’t lit up like that, most of the damage almost appearing like a scar if not for the very faint light and he kept his head buried in Teddy’s shoulder.
“All power comes with a cost,” he mumbled against fabric, reluctantly admitting what it was he feared. “Maybe… maybe this is just my price to pay. Someone has to.” He could feel the way Teddy tensed up at the thought, but there weren’t any words or accusations or insults to his short-sighted nature to follow. He expected them after a moment - he’d come to expect that kind of thing a lot even though he knew it wasn’t serious, but instead all he got was silence.
The silence was so much worse than criticism.
A heavy sigh that he swallowed down pretty quickly and he leaned up out of the other mage’s shoulder. The corner of his lips turned up into a grin as he lifted a hand from Teddy’s shirt to curl around the back of his neck, kissing him briefly before resting their foreheads together.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be a pain in the ass to any force that wants to collect debts, ancient magic or no. I’m- I’ll be here for a good long while yet if I have any say in it.” He wasn’t really so certain about that last part, nor did he sound it, so he added, “And a pain in the ass to you, promise.”
“You better be,” came a brief answer, though it sounded less tense than the previous ones. “I need someone to antagonize and you sort of happen to be my favorite for that.”“Really? Never even noticed,” he mumbled back, softly sighing while he curled his left hand into a tight fist in his lap. He sounded relaxed now, despite the low humming of magic still aching in his arm, and he really hoped he could just stubborn this one out. The night might be quiet but the day was full of news he didn’t want to hear, problems he didn’t want to deal with. Inquisitor things, and he was so unbelievably sick of that title but he was far too entrenched in it to just quit and leave his messes behind now. His favorite critic might take issue with that, anyway. |
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kyne is a loser
Posts: 40
Preferred Name: Chika
Pronouns: she/her
Character Profile: + + +
Character Name: Teddy
Main Account: this oooone
Status: Active
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Post by Teddy on Aug 31, 2015 12:25:37 GMT -5
LOUD PAINED SOBBING HUSBANDOI ;_____;
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Vigilantes
TROGDOR THE BURNINATOR
Wink while you can, asshole
Posts: 48
Preferred Name: Scotty
Main Account: Kyne
Status: Active
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Post by kyne on Sept 13, 2015 0:12:47 GMT -5
HEH. And now that trespasser is out I opted to fill in a few blanks myself :)))) [[ Whatever the sacrifice || Kyne + Teddy + others]]
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[[ ending ofTrespasser DAI AU blurb. SPOILERS. Is this all I write now? Maybe. ]] It had been one moment that he’d been angry, fallen Qunari around himself and the others as he marched through yet another eluvian in search of Solas and then the next he was stopped, brought to his knees once again by the crackling power of the anchor.
Solas was there - he’d found him, caught up to him but it was only after the magic in his hand had been stopped, as the words fell from his lips that he realized exactly what they meant and who this was that he had trusted, believed in, looked up to.
“You’re…. Fen’Harel.”
Hollow and dull, the other elf’s words washed past him and he didn’t even register what was being said at first. All of this …. all of it had been his fault and he’d lied, he’d lied this whole time. A traitor not just to the elves, but to the Inquisition, to the very world. He couldn’t believe that he’d trusted him, that he’d let him get so far when all of this was Solas - was Fen’Harel’s fault.
Brows knit together and the start of a spell lit up under his fingertips. “You traitor, you lied to all of us, you -” With barely a nod, Solas’ eyes flickered and the sparks once again consumed Kyne’s arm, drawing a barely withheld cry of pain from him, bringing him down onto his knees again.
Solas. All along - all along it had been him. Kyne’s fingers dug into the folds of stiff fabric and chain mail on his arm, as if somehow he could stop the pain from getting worse but it had its claws into him now like it had never had before. His knees nearly gave in, shaking a moment but he kept himself upright, not allowing himself any weaknesses, not in front of the very Dread Wolf who had been haunting the inquisition since the beginning. He swore under his breath, good eye trained on the elf he had trusted, had respected and called a friend and the cold roots of a detached, dark anger threaded themselves into his thoughts. Kyne staggered to his feet, unable to allow the bastard to walk away. He was going to kill him, he was going to kill him - -
The monologue, the lengthy explanation that the mark should have killed anyone other than Fen’Harel and that this world would be ended, Kyne shook his head, he wouldn’t hear whatever justifications Solas wanted to pull out of his ass.
“I’m - I’m going to stop you,” he managed to say to the other elf’s back, teeth clenched tight as another spark shot through his arm all the way up to his shoulder. Kyne cried out in pain, barely biting it back before he stumbled to his knees. Solas was gone, the bastard was gone and he’d been too weak to follow or to stop him.
All that he could do was breathe, was force himself to breathe and wait for it to pass and hope that it would. The elf’s words before he’d walked away, that it would kill him, that he should use the time he had left hung in his ears and he hadn’t even realized that the others had caught up with him finally. Too late - too late to stop Solas, too late to help himself.
Kyne heard his name called out, recognized people around him but there was too much of a haze as his arm hung useless at his side, flickering with light that threatened to consume not only himself but the others.
Please no, not them, not them.
Sparks ignited, threatening to overwhelm him, threatening to turn the very air around him into fire and lightning and death and he couldn’t let that hurt them. Kyne shook his head, no, please don't come here but hands had reached to catch him and he fell into them. Weak; all of his focus was on keeping the magic in the mark contained and stopping it from lashing out.
For a moment it got hard to breathe, he felt his heart skip a beat - and fear shook through him, cold and solid and very much there beyond the pain. Too close - too close. Kyne didn’t know what he’d been holding out for or what kind of healing could await him back at Halamshiral or Skyhold or anywhere else. If that blighted traitor had been the only one who could have healed him before, what chance did he have now? What would happen when it reached his heart, and how much longer did he realistically have until then?
It… didn’t feel like long. Solas had made it sound like he’d have more time than he really would but perhaps he hadn’t known just how much Kyne had used the ill-begotten mark, just how much magic had been poured through it as he stormed through a maze of eluvians and forgotten history in a rage to find the elf.
No. It was - he didn’t think he could make it much further when the pain was so overwhelming that he could barely speak.
"He - he's gone. Can't h-hold out mu- aaghh-uch longer."
“Come on boss, let’s get you out of here,” came the insistent and firm voice of Bull, covering up the weak accusations from Teddy and concern from Dorian.
“Y-You don’t want to be - hhhnn - be near me next time this goes off,” he said with a forced laugh, glancing up at the others. As if to illustrate the point, it flickered, static pushing those around him back. He could feel it with every breath, every heartbeat - his whole arm burned as if were engulfed in fire. “Can’t - can’t go on like this.”
There wasn’t much of a delay before Teddy shot back a response, sharp and injured and barely hiding the worry. “Don’t you - don’t you dare give up, we’ll get you back we’ll-”
"Have you ever - ever known me to give up?" he said, putting on a weak grin. It faded quickly, though, as he looked up at the three men because he knew what had to be done and creators he didn't want to but it was really the only option now. "Cut it off. D-do it now, before - before it kills me. Please."
Another spark, louder, brighter, more forceful; Kyne knew he couldn’t hold back the bursts of energy for much longer, either, because this was nothing and they all knew it. Kyne knew the three of them weren’t the most ideally equipped for this but - well, they were all he had and he had to trust them because bringing this unstable mark back to the Winter Palace was out of the question.Besides - it wasn’t like this could hurt as badly as the mark, right? Forcing a positive expression, a smile that barely fit his mouth let alone his eye, he saw the others nod in agreement briefly before another burst of magic struck through the anchor and it seemed that his body couldn’t take any more, slipping his consciousness away. No - not too late, please - -
There was only silence, sometimes broken by a thick syrupy mix of sounds that faded in and out. Voices, footsteps- the scent of blood and metal, of armor and sweat and smoke from fires. Pain, but he barely registered it any more. He barely felt anything. Sensation disappeared- he disappeared- and it was a cold and detached feeling that lead him to wonder if he were dying. The unending static of the mark was merely a memory now, though it was worrying that all of him felt numb and distant. As he leaned into the Qunari's shoulder, breath and heart rate far too quick, he felt himself slipping away again and before he lost all sensation, all feeling that he was connected to anything, he vaguely registered the tingle of magic keeping him rooted in this world, in this life. It could not keep him conscious, however, and everything was darkness.Sensation returned eventually, and from within a heavy fog came the sound of footsteps pacing. Incense and herbs and fresh air hit him and he stirred, the soreness across his body dwarfed by pain in his shoulder and arm- or.... What was left of it. A sharp exhale carrying notes of his discomfort left him, only to be caught by someone in the room who had been watching over him. It was the sound of a book closing, of a relieved sigh that was almost a gasp and Kyne blinked his eye open to see Teddy. Relief washed over him - not hurt, not caught in the release of hostile magic; alive and okay and here. Kyne shifted, meaning to sit up not getting very far - his body had leaned too far onto his left side, to the injured arm - or lack thereof, as it were - and a hurt look washed over him as he brought his other hand to his shoulder. This was…. going to take a lot more getting used to than losing his eye had. Teddy’s worried expression caught his eye, though, and before the other mage could speak, Kyne did. “I know, I know,” he spoke quietly with the corners of his lips turned up in a badly constructed smirk. It wouldn’t do to see anyone upset for his sake. “I’d lose my head if it wasn’t attached to me, too.” “You - I can’t believe -” came the response, Teddy’s face seeming as if it were caught between laughter and tears but Kyne didn’t linger on it long - the other mage had leaned near to him and Kyne found an opportunity to pull him nearly right onto the bed with him. It was a forced smile - painfully, obviously forced that found itself on his face but he didn’t want to have made Teddy actually cry over him.
“How much of an idiot I am?” he finished for the other mage but Teddy shook his head instead, not even seeming like he was able to criticize right then.
"I nearly lost you," came a quiet response instead, a tone that said he had nothing left but something like this to say. “I thought we were too late.”
Silence grew between the two of them, only slow breaths and heartbeats and the lingering feeling that they were at least alive and together and that was what mattered. Somehow…. somehow this was so much worse than anything else that had ever happened. It wasn’t the first time that Kyne’s own stupidity and recklessness had nearly gotten him killed but it felt so much more bare now, a raw and painful truth that he really had almost died. Both of them could feel it and…
It was such a big feeling, an overwhelming feeling and joking about it, even to lighten the mood, felt wrong.
"Var'vehnanen bel mahviren, emma lath," Kyne mumbled into the crook of Teddy’s neck as he leaned nearer into him, fingers curled into his clothing because he wanted him near, because it really had been too close. It.... was hard to say in a language that Teddy would recognize because it felt strange to just say it straight forward, but he wanted to say something, anything. He'd been so- so afraid up until now, of what might happen if he didn’t make it, of what might happen if he’d lost complete control of the mark. It could have been so much worse. After a moment of pause, though, he thought he might elaborate a little bit on what he’d said. His voice just a whisper, hesitant but heartfelt and only teasing a little, "I'll be here to cause you worry for a long time yet, I promise."
“You had better,” was the muffled answer and Kyne only smiled. He… had a lot to do yet, but hunting down would-be gods seemed to be expected by now. So long as he had Teddy and the others, he’d find a way to make it work; he always had and no Exalted Council or Qunari or any other force was going to stop them. |
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Posts: 56
Preferred Name: Scotty
Character Name: Zeke
Main Account: Kyne
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Post by zeke on Sept 17, 2015 3:37:24 GMT -5
tw || suicide mention, hallucinations, emotional breakdown.
It's heavy, way way waaay heavier than I meant it to be and I kind of didn’t realize how screwed up Zeke was until I was halfway through writing. Don’t do drugs, kids. #magix, not even once[[ what cannot be silenced || zeke ]]
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[[ hypothetical followup to an rp or something]] Noises. Noises in the house, but he was alone and had been for a few hours now. Zeke knew this, of course, but there was a world of difference between knowing something as true, repeating it to yourself time after time after time, and believing it. He was no stranger to that either. Still. The sound of voices, distant and outside with the words mostly obscured; shuffling footsteps just outside the door; knocking. They were vague, and he could for now ignore them.
Ever since the night before there had been sounds, motions, things that made him strain his ears to hear before he dismissed it as his mind playing tricks on him again. Now, though, it was like footsteps behind him, a voice on the edge of his hearing, a shadow here and there. It had - it had been too long since he’d had magic in his system, he knew that, he knew it he needed it he knew it and it hurt because he couldn’t bring himself to ask for help. He’d come so, so close once or twice but somehow it hurt more than going without. Asking… begging Zwei in the past had been one thing but to use Poly like that? The thought made him feel disgusting and for now it left him wanting.A shuddering sigh- he shivered into the blanket on the couch, trying to ignore the feeling of sweat dampening his forehead. Poly thought he was sick, or at least he said as much. In all truth, he actually was sick but not in any way that could be cured by some sleep and hot soup. Zeke's stomach churned at the thought of food; no, not right now, not ever, he thought. Too difficult to try, it'd probably come right back up anyway and though he knew the longer he put it off, the worse that would get but somehow the capacity to care had slipped between the cracks.There was really only one thing he had the energy to care about and he was denying it, holding out for as long as he could.Eyelids lifted slightly to catch sight of that notebook, his one solid connection to anything. His head spun at the thought of it, of bringing it up (you could just ask for some) and he reached for the book, tempted, wanting and hurting for some magic in his system so badly (he'd get it for you, he would) and he pulled the book towards himself, cradling it in his hands before opening it (he'd be so easy to use, so easy, so easy) and he closed his eyes suddenly, feeling nothing but disgust. He couldn't. He couldn't use Poly like that- if there was one thing he'd never let himself do it would be to use someone good, someone so kind for this. He'd already fallen so far, already held so much hate for who he was and he couldn't let himself bring any of that on someone who was just so.... Perfect. When his eyes opened, slowly peeking past heavy lids, he saw his own neat letters, traces and echoes of their conversation even though it only held his own words. The flowers, the food, this notebook - a weak smile touched his face. He couldn't. He couldn't. Poly was too good and he couldn't stay here and ruin that. He couldn't. Closing the book he pulled it near to himself like a security blanket, like a shield from all of the things that hurt, trying to hold onto the good and the kind and the thoughts of someone so sweet wanting to take care of him. It was going to be such a momentary luxury and he needed to leave as soon as this tough spell passed but he wanted to keep this memory. After some rest, after he built up his strength enough to carry himself out of Poly's home and life he'd go, he'd let himself fall to whatever fate held for him but at least poly wouldn't be involved in that. He'd be safe, he'd be free from whatever nastiness Zeke might have otherwise soiled his life with and the scavenger could be just a shadow, just a smudge on his memory and nothing more. It.... It hurt to think like that, surprisingly, but not nearly as much as the idea of Poly being hurt or held accountable for anything that was Zeke's fault. Nearly off to sleep, it wasn't much longer after he closed his eyes that he heard a loud bang of.... Something. He couldn't decipher but panic shot into him, he was on his feet with trembling knees and swaying shoulders without much thought. Ready to run, though not feeling nearly capable of it, he was wound up tight and about to spring in whatever direction was safest anyway. A heartbeat, a breath; a second to take in his surroundings and form a single coherent thought at the silence remaining after the noise.Where - what?No, it couldn't have been real. Shoulders relaxed slightly, a heavy sigh left him and he shoved the hair back out of his face from where it clung to beads of sweat. He was pushing himself too far, pushing too hard and it was just punishment for making himself wait- nothing more. Fake, his mind lashing out with things that weren't there. He needed to calm the panic beginning to form. Had to. /Had to/.But it couldn't hurt to... Look? Fear wiggling stubbornly between his shoulder blades drove him to shuffle out into the hall and it was there that he heard something, felt a breath practically right against his ear. It was there, real; close. How long can you keep this up? Just say the word and it’s yours.
That- that voice, slick and terrible and offering what he needed at a price he didn’t want to pay. Not… here. Not here? No - no no no nononono- - - Zeke turned suddenly, nothing behind him and backed up until he met the wall, glancing to either side, straining to see something. It - it couldn’t have been real, he didn’t just hear that, did he? He sunk back against the wall, hand buried in his hair and eyes squished closed. This wasn’t - it wasn’t real, it wasn’t and he knew it but he couldn’t be sure. What if that had been, what if that was his voice for real, what if he’d been caught again fuck why no, he couldn’t drag Poly into this. He couldn’t, he didn’t deserve that - -oh god what had he done, what was he doing, why had he let himself spoil what Poly had here. Why had he let himself think he was good enough for this kind of comfort, what kind of trouble had he brought to Poly’s doorstep? Trembling breaths came quicker and quicker, fear shot through him like the electricity, like the lightning he wanted so badly as if it were mocking him and his body felt like it was on nails, like pins pushing in everywhere how did he make this stop?No more, no more.Sweat beading on his forehead as he shook his head, no no no no no, his fever was getting worse and moving around, scrambling to feel safe, it wasn’t doing him any favors at all. Hot, dizzy, sweat in his eyes, on the back of his neck; he shook with a chill that wasn't there and with fear at what he couldn't be sure was a lie, a trick. What if- if it was, how could he have brought himself into Poly's life how could he have let him stay, let himself think he was worth even the smallest comfort when he was just a waste of space, a bad decision, a cluster of filth and failure and a disease that would only infect someone's life with the consequences of his mistakes.What if someone found him, what if Poly had to pay the price for his greedy insistence that he was worth being helped.What had he done?What have you done, Zeke?
Voice in his ear again, somehow all around him and it was too close, too much. He - he needed to go, he had to get out of there. He had to.The sense of urgency struck him so quickly that he’d stood up before he realized it, sweaty palm pressed up flat against the wall, leaving the faintest mark behind. He was shaking - he was shaking again so badly but he barely recognized it as the ground swayed around him. Where was the door, he couldn’t stay here any longer, it was no longer about just him and he couldn’t bear that he just couldn’t because what if Zwei did find his way there and what if he brought that - that fucking monster - onto Poly. His shoulders rose and fell rapidly with each difficult breath - when did it get harder to breathe, when did he have to think about it to make it happen? - and he took step after step back towards the living room, towards the front door, to leave. Zeke stumbled, grabbing onto the frame of the hallway door for support before he could even make it into the room and as his eyes settled on the front door, the exit, not freedom but a way to remove himself from Poly's life.So far - was it always so far away? His stomach flipped and head felt filled with sand as the room stretched and grew before him (or maybe he was shrinking he couldn’t tell, everything felt strange and wrong). The floor seemed bowed, massive and distant and it felt like if he let go of the frame he would be floating. His head spun but the rest of him remained stationary.He could do it, he knew he could because he had to and no measure of vertigo or weakness would stop him.Out of the corner of his eye, a figure, a familiar figure and he turned, stumbling but it was gone. Seeing things, just his fucked up mind getting back at him and he knew it couldn’t be but he couldn’t fight the panic making him tremble, cold in his chest. It… had been too long, he knew better than this, to try and get through without it. He’d tried - god, Zeke had tried, but he’d ended up even more of a mess for it every single time. This wasn’t the first time that he’d been driven into this state but he hadn’t remembered it being so bad. Sick with it, driven to hear things and see things and feel things that weren't real he wished for it to just stop his heart and end but- but /not here/, not in Poly's home god no not here, he had to leave and then whatever happened could happen but he needed Poly to be free of him. But it was so bad, so hard just to make it to the door.“If it’s so bad, why don’t you just end it all yourself, then?”
That - it wasn’t - - No, he couldn’t, he couldn’t not here not now not…. not after what Poly had done for him. Not after that, he couldn’t waste what Poly had done, and this voice, this voice could fuck off he was leaving, he was going, are you fucking happy now?! Zeke backed up very very slowly, eyes straining to see the figure again even though he didn’t want to where was it where was he that bastard. He had to - had to tell himself it wasn’t real, make himself believe it wasn't real and wish it away. God he knew better than this he knew he knew he knew and yet here he was, here he was a mess. A bump at his leg caused him to jump and he tripped over something uneven on the floor, landing with a hard thud (not as loud as the thud from earlier, or was it? Everything sounded muffled and far away for some reason but maybe he was just confused) and he looked, seeing the couch, the blanket, the leg of the coffee table and a few petals that had escaped the flowers in the vase and settled on the ground.The smell of those pale blue flowers that Poly liked so much, faint lingering mint that seemed to be around the house for some reason - both were soothing and he just. He needed a moment longer here, to gather himself, to try and prepare to leave. God he wasn’t in any shape to leave like this, he had to be able to at least make it far enough that Poly would be innocent if caught.Picking himself up, fingers digging tightly into the arm of the couch, he practically rolled back onto it. Zeke pulled the blanket around him, blocking out what he could, willing it away, god make it stop so he could get through some of this and leave. Echoing, humming buzzing noises bit his ears - they rang (Disgusting, filth, stain) and the thoughts falling out of his head were practically audible. (Addict, failure, criminal) He - he knew it but god he didn’t want to hear it, he wanted to forget, let him forget let him forget but he didn’t deserve to, (Waste of space, waste of air, waste of time) he didn’t, he didn’t deserve any peace, not with the things he’d done to get his fix in the past. (Kill yourself, or maybe don't, maybe you deserve to suffer) Eyes closed, he leaned back into the couch, wanting it to swallow him whole, wishing he did have the guts to kill himself because this was too much, too hard, he couldn’t handle this any longer - loud voices in his ears, god if he just had some magic (You’re using him, abusing his kindness, taking advantage of him, you monster) it’d go away, he didn’t even want to feel good from it any more he just wanted this to stop, make it stop - You ruined everything and he's going to suffer for what you did.
No - no!Your fault your fault YOUR FAULT YOU DID THIS
It - it was, but - Backed into the edge of the couch, blanket curled and twisted around him, he hid his head under his arms, shaking it, no no no n o n O - he couldn’t - couldn’t do this he couldn’t it was hard it hurt so much there was no way, no way no way that Poly would help him if he knew, if he found out, he couldn’t, he couldn’t. His fingers still curled around the notebook; it was dented slightly, paper crumpled and made a mess of, damp from sweaty hands and he came to realize its presence very suddenly. Somehow it calmed him, gave him something to hold onto in more than just the literal sense and he, he stared at it. The… the thank-yous pressed so firmly into the page, the way Poly had responded. No, Poly didn’t deserve to have to put up with him, no matter how nice he was about it. The nagging voices hurled thoughts at him, echoes of his own thoughts but he ignored as best he could - he needed to leave, he needed to go but he couldn’t just vanish without an explanation. Hesitantly he pulled the pen out from where it stuck in the thick coils of the notebook and tried to gather himself up to write…. something. << can’t stay here >>
His hand shook - barely legible, sloppy writing- fuck, he- he just needed to tell Poly the truth, he needed to leave, he needed to stop letting Poly help him because the one good thing that had happened to him was so wrong, so undeserved and it put someone else in danger. He shouldn’t have let this happen. He should have died years ago, he should be dead and gone and not here not endangering someone so - so perfect and kind. But he couldn’t leave without telling him why, he felt, he felt that he owed him that much. At least that much and so much more. << Lied to you - didnt tell you who i a m >>
((Addict - trash - you might as well not even be human. ))
<< sorry >>
((Why are you still here))
<< shouldnt have let you protect me. im ń̸̸͠o͏̢̢҉͞t̸̵ ̧̀͝a͏͘ ͜҉̷͝ṕ͘̕͟͞e͟r͘͜s͘͟͜ơ͏͝͡ń̸̷ a scavenger ,addict, i >>
((Do you think you deserve this?))
<< im sorry im so sorry >>
((He’ll turn you in))
<< ill go ill leave please pretend i was never here >>
((youre abusing his kindness ))
<< so s or ry, sh ould nt ha ve let thi s hap pen sorry sorr y >>
((do you think anyone will forgive you?))
<<cant do thisanymore>>
Why - why was he crying? Don’t - he willed himself not to, not to do this one thing, not to give in but god it was only getting worse. Loud, pushing in from all sides, he shoved himself up off the couch, intending to just go, wanting to just leave with that note in his place but the moment he stood he was struck with more dizziness. It shook through him, vision blacking out and he fell back into the couch, passing out immediately. Sleep, it seemed, would take him for now - but despite that, what came in the dreams would not let it resemble anything close to rest.
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